Freedom...

These days I found myself thinking about 'what is freedom?' 

Are we really entitled to use the deep meaning of the word in the World we live in today? Where a simple opinion, based on a moment you decided to use your freedom can easily be taken as a weapon and you will be judged and attacked without mercy and sometimes without being given the benefit of the doubt? Can we really be honest or allow our thoughts to become words or messages published even when they are wrong, because you are willing to be told otherwise and you are willing to say sorry if that is the case?

I realize soon enough that as honest as our soul is, being part of a World full of people with different thoughts and power, we can have an opinion, we might even be able to discuss it with a few people we call friends, but our freedom ends there. 

I wanted to be a Journalist, I wanted to have the courage to go to a war zone and be able to tell the real story behind that war/conflict. Soon enough on my first year in University, I realized that was just a dream that was doomed to die at the cost of my own soul. I wouldn't be able to change the World telling the truth because until the moment I would probably have that power, I would have suffered enough writing what people wanted to hear or what the person in power would allow. It's all politics and economic power...

Was I too naive? I certainly was... but somehow I allowed the dreamer inside me to live throughout the years being always too honest even when the subject was sensitive and many people would simply avoid the pain of going through it.

Am I a hero or somehow perfect? Far from that, so many times I failed, I made wrong judgements, I had a bad opinion about good things, and good opinion about bad things. It's a trial and error and we are always learning cause at least that means we are living.

I believe the most important thing is assuming when you are wrong even if your opinion is valid like any other and being able to say sorry when you were harsh or inconsequent. We are all vulnerable to feel certain situations more than we feel others, to fight for certain causes or stories more than we fight for others and we can also understand the other side and apologize if our freedom of expressing something had collided with their struggle to make things better. Sometimes different visions of the same story just mean the World we live in is so full of diversity, beliefs and life experiences that is impossible we all have the same opinion. 

We are born and raised with different values, in different societies, with different religions and with completely different economic backgrounds and that tarnished us to be the Humans we are and to see the World one way or the other. What is wrong and what is right depends on so many things and so does our freedom. 

So we are free in our own World, in our thoughts, in our heart and our freedom ends when it collides with someone else's freedom.

The important thing is that you never feel ashamed to assume your mistakes and that you always use your freedom to be true to yourself even if the World is not ready for it.

When NEVER meant SOON

When never meant soon, too soon...

Those broken promises thrown to the crystal clear water of the sea where we swam together, where we hugged, we kissed. That time when all seemed so perfect. 

I wonder if life give us, weak human beings and specially you, a liar, so many chances to enjoy the fulfillment love brings...

I think it should be a sin to play so hard with the chances God give us to enjoy life saying things we never meant as if someone was asking. 

Never... It seems the word is everywhere echoing in my head the same way I was so unfortunate to get to know your NEVER just meant too soon.

Is this the Universe showing me hardly that you never deserved to be part of my life, my thoughts, part of my broken heart? 

Is this the way things end?? 

Always with that bitter taste of disappointment not because it's over, but because the memories are destroyed for the simple fact the person never existed or it just turned into a peacock so proud to show his fake shading feathers. 

Knowing what I know today I would prefer to meet a black duck, or a simple frog it would certainly be more loyal than you ever could be.

Sometimes I just need to write to release my anger, my disappointment because to you I will not show any emotion, I won't speak or message, I wish I could delete memories the same way I deleted your number and you from my life... Memories are just too stubborn, they persist and specially when I am so unlucky to know or see something related to you even when I am not looking for it.

But as you see, I am not saying NEVER, because never is too far and tomorrow is too close. 

I am a HUMAN being, I fail, I failed too many times, but even though it still hurts I am certainly way better without you.

3 months of peace...

Time to heal, time to change

At 40.000ft my tears can't stop rolling down my face. I'm extremely calm, the exact feeling you get after 3 glasses of red wine. They can make you laugh or cry but at this exact moment my heart feels so empty that only sadness is my true companion.

Like happiness, sadness is part of life. When we are sad we realize that the things that once made you happy are no longer there. They might have vanished with time, they might have been taken away (when someone dies) or in women case it can be just PMS. 

At this moment, I'm grateful the loss is just one of those you cannot avoid, people are still alive and a rush of common sense landed on one's mind.

As for my mind it is floating, my dreams and my hope are flying away from me and I can't stop tears from falling though I know that this day would come sooner or later.

I am one of those persons that others say have everything to be happy and I trully have almost everything, except what everybody aims in life, a person to share a life. 

At this moment and after 5 months waiting for someone, I realized, I not only wasted 5 months, but I also have a real problem to solve inside me.

I was not made to fall in love, I am completely incapable of keeping people I love on my side, it's like I punish myself for having such a blessed life.

The loss hurts in any case, but the loss after such a long time waiting makes you feel that nothing makes sense. 

Accepting death, accepting betrayal is hard, but those things you cannot change, they are part of reality and even when the pain overwhelms, you have moments of truth when you know that time will be your ally.

I heard lots of times, love is not enough to keep a relationship and now I am sure about the meaning of this.

Even when you love and you are loved, you might find hard to stay together and it is harder to move on, because the feeling is still there, strong and deep but you have an invisible wall dividing it. There are no words or acts to break what you cannot see. I am fighting with myself full of love but mostly, full of loneliness.

5th of August, I finally realized I was not made to fall in love, I was made to be happy but with less requirements, avoiding feelings that are not controllable. 

I have to allow myself to be loved with ease, accepting to leave the emotions for those who can deal with them. I definitely can't.

I find happiness in little things and the simple fact of having someone who truly likes me for me, should be enough.

There comes a time when peace is a priority, when friendship is a must and a companion who is willing to step on your side.

I don't know if my sadness is bigger because of all the wait or because I know he also loves me but is not strong to put rules behind. I am tired of loosing because I am emotional or because I love too much...

31 years old and I gave up on love, I cannot take this sadness anymore. I want to be happy with less, but stop feeling this hole.

I have to forget the loss, the smell, the hugs, the smiles, the laughs, the dreams to live a life full of emotions. I must live a life with no salt and pepper, a life plain but peaceful. 

Learning to live with less is a lesson. 

I traveled enough, I loved enough and I was also loved. Now it's time to think out of the box, the World will always be bigger than my dreams and my hopes. I have to accept I am just a small piece among this bigger puzzle made by different people with different cultures, religion and beliefs. 

I was willing to give up everything for love and now I want to give away love for a peaceful future, a reality based on stability, the dream of having my part in this world that is made for me, not just the left overs.

And yes Life is not always fair, but it goes on...

Para ti, Mãe

Hoje podia escrever um testamento, mas existem coisas que não precisam de muitas palavras para que possam ter significado. Hoje é o Dia da Mãe e ainda não sei o significado que isso tem na primeira pessoa, mas é um desejo que não me abandona.

O Dia da Mãe é todos os dias, é um clichê que se torna tão real se pensarmos de fato que não há um dia que a mãe deixa de ser mãe e de se preocupar, de mandar e-mails ou ligar quando estamos longe,  Full-time job.

Vai fazer amanhã 2 anos que deixei o meu país para viver numa realidade completamente diferente a todos os níveis. Muita gente me diz "não tenho a tua coragem" e eu penso se terá sido coragem ou vontade de realmente mudar algo na minha vida, abraçar o sonho de conhecer o Mundo, novas culturas, de fugir à rotina.

Tenho férias e por vezes não vou ao meu país, vou conhecer sítios que não poderia conhecer se não tivesse esta profissão e isso não significa que não tenha saudades do meu país e sobretudo da minha família. 

Para a minha mãe, sou filha única e tenho nela sobretudo uma amiga, o meu pilar. Admiro-a por tudo o que viveu, pela coragem, frontalidade... Tem um temperamento forte e muitas vezes nos desentendemos, mas é sobretudo à minha mãe que devo aquilo a que todos chamam de "coragem". 

Tive o mimo digno de uma filha única, mas cresci para ser independente, para lutar pelos meus sonhos, para ser forte, mas nunca esquecer o lugar a que pertenço e aqueles que me ajudaram sempre a ser quem sou hoje. Eu não seria "Eu" se não fosse por ela, por ter sido sempre a melhor mãe, a melhor amiga que alguma vez podia ter. Conto-lhe tudo, sim, até os pormenores mais íntimos e ela ouve como mãe e amiga. Se um dia for mãe, quero ser como ela, porque apesar de no início ter discordado de muitas coisas que fiz na vida, inclusive a minha mudança para o Qatar, sempre me apoiou incondicionalmente. 

Não existem palavras para explicar o quanto te amo Mãe, apenas que te amo. 

Feliz dia, hoje e todos os demais dias do ano em que és a minha heroína, o meu exemplo e a minha força.

Nota: estas palavras estendem-se à minha única avó, que é para mim um exemplo de força e que sempre me deu um amor a dobrar (ela sabe o que quero dizer)

"Mr. I have a crush on you"

It is after some time I am writing you. Not because I haven't thought of you before, but because today I felt deep inside how much it hurts being deprived of your presence.

Everything started as a nonsense. I knew I should have avoided and I actually tried to distract my mind but somehow the idea of being with you burnt inside me. It's that curiosity that you know can be poisoning but it's like you are not afraid of tasting the poison and die from the fatal pleasure. I was always like this but in fact there comes a time in life that we should learn from our previous mistakes.

I guess I will never change. 

I rarely feel attracted, but when it burns inside I have no way to resist. I am a collector of those crazy pleasant moments, my happiness is based on that, plus the positive way I look to life and I try to enjoy it to the maximum.

Even knowing how it hurts now, I don't regret a single moment I spent with you. I would do it all again if it was now.

I'm on my way to Bali and I don't know if it is the idea of romance that is killing me inside or just a song that reminded me of our time in New York when I was in the train from Kyoto to Kansai Airport that made me cry and miss you this much.

The truth is that even though I feel we are over, I think about you every day. For some reason all the other days I felt ok and today it made me sad and showed me the hole that I have inside.

Many times you said we should come to Bali and I look to the empty seat next to me and I wish with all my heart that you could be sitting there, saying some stupid jokes to make me laugh. 

I guess I learnt love is up to no agreements. We tried to settle from the beginning that none of us should fell in love but I think we had no idea how easily we would get along and how we would match in so many things to a point you became my best friend and we talked about absolutely everything. 

You won my heart just like a tattoo and I realized it a bit late, when it was too late to remove it with no scars. 

I forgot about the fence dividing us... there was no religion, no family, not a forbidden thing in between us. The most curious thing is that I took the risk and I never realized how I was getting tied in the trap. You realized first and maybe you were smart enough to step back or maybe as you said your feelings were in a box and you could play with them.

I am not like that. It was easy for me until the moment you made me think about my feelings. I was living freely the chance of having someone with whom I could be myself, loving, crazy, wild, quiet, silly. It might sound weird but I have never lived something like this before and maybe that is why it hurts so bad. I never felt loved by someone I loved back with this intensity. Because life is not always fair to match people and in every relationship I had, something was lacking from one side or the other. In some cases I was too young in others some things didn't match so well.

Since the first moment we were wood and fire to burn easily when we are together. The smell of your body was like a magnet and I remember when you told me about that. Most of the things, I never told you. It was never so easy. I just got all the things from you and I agreed just by giving myself to you, body and soul. The only thing I confessed was that you were the first person I could actually sleep with and feel relaxed. It all felt so natural since the first moment. It's hard to explain...

You collect in you all the things I lived before and though it scared me, i couldn't step back. We started with a secret between us, that reveled the impossibility of an happy ending, I am also like a bird that you could never cage, you had a sad ending story with someone you said you still loved and even knowing how hurt I was by something like this, I said "Let's try!"

I don't live the past, however 'deja vus' occur once in a while. But in the end stories are different and as we grow older we accept things differently. I learnt how to deal with that so what some define as bravery, I thing is just part of being me and follow my heart against all odds.

In the end I know I was loved no matter what happened in the end. 

The laughs, the jokes, the nights sleeping being hold by you, the kisses, the long walks, "Thor", the "first time", the way we always end our disagreements in a funny way, are the memories I will keep with me. It could have been so simple... 

But we are Humans and we complicate things by thinking too much. And that is exactly what I should avoid now. You will live inside me and I will smile because what we had can no longer be taken. 

I believe Life will bring me the right piece to complete me because you could never be that part.

Until then, I just try to live Life as Happy as I can be and certainly I'm enjoying it.

Os Níveis da Vida

Moomba Festival - Março 2014 - Melbourne

"Vivemos uma vida normal, verdadeira, e no entanto - e por isso - temos aspirações. Terráqueos, conseguimos às vezes chegar tão longe como os deuses. Alguns elevam-se com a arte, outros com a religião, a maioria com o amor. Mas quando subimos também podemos despenhar-nos. Há poucas aterragens suaves. Podemos dar connosco aos saltos pelo chão, com uma força capaz de partir pernas, arrastados para uma qualquer via-férrea estrangeira. Todas as histórias de amor são potenciais histórias de dor. Se não no princípio, depois. Se não para um, para o outro. Às vezes para ambos.

Então por que aspiramos continuamente a amar? Porque o amor é o ponto onde se encontra a verdade e a magia. A verdade como na fotografia; a magia como no balonismo."

Excerto do livro Os Níveis da Vida de Julian Barnes 

O poder das palavras...

Nos últimos dias tenho pensado bastante no poder das palavras, na força que elas têm para tornar belo ou destruir algo ou alguém.

Dou por mim a pensar se todos nós, independentemente da cultura ou da língua em que nos expressamos, temos noção das consequências inerentes de nos assumirmos conhecedores das reações de diferentes pessoas ao mesmo discurso.

Como pessoa teimosa que sou, reconheço que aquilo que depende apenas e só da minha opinião, algo definido por "gosto" dificilmente é alterado por razões externas. 

Tenho um quadro que amo de paixão. Podiam vir 100 críticos de arte, amigos ou familiares com os mais variados discursos em relação ao mesmo e tentando dizer-me por A+B que aquele quadro não é belo, valioso ou cheio de significado, que para mim o valor dele se manteria o mesmo. Nenhuma palavra, por pior que fosse, destruiria a beleza e o valor dele, porque é por mim um dado adquirido e só eu própria teria o poder de destruir essa ideia.

Lembro-me também de uma amiga minha que adora o Manekineko e confesso que aquele gato com o braço a abanar me dá arrepios. São opiniões e aí as palavras pouco valem se as pessoas têm os seus gostos bem definidos. 

Ainda bem que não temos todos os mesmos gostos, porque isso torna o Mundo e as suas diferentes culturas um lugar apetecível e que nos mantém a sede de descoberta.

No entanto no que diz respeito às relações que mantemos, sejam profissionais, de amizade ou amorosas, considero que todas elas estão presas por um fio e as palavras são como canivetes, que dependendo da sua força ou do momento, cortam de forma certeira essa ligação. 

Uns fios são mais fortes, outros menos, umas vezes puxados de um lado e outras vezes puxados de outro. É exactamente esse equilíbrio e o reconhecimento das alturas em que devemos puxar ou ceder que fortalecem as relações que temos ao longo da vida.

Como tenho uma personalidade demasiado honesta, aprendi ao longo dos anos a ponderar o uso das palavras e a dizer apenas aquilo que é necessário e não tudo o que penso, pois existem coisas, que não acrescentam nada às relações e podem causar mal entendidos desnecessários. Há pensamentos que devemos guardar, sob pena de quebrarem o fio que não era forte o suficiente.

Tive um momento na minha vida em que enrolei esse fio sobre mim mesma e no final não tive outra solução senão cortá-lo, quebrando por completo a ligação.

Aprendi então a ponderar cada discurso, a ser cautelosa em relação às pessoas e às situações, aprendi a usar sentimentos apenas e só quando sinto que o chão que piso não é movediço. Isso não invalida que seja querida, amiga, profissional e tudo mais, demonstra apenas uma tática, não infalível, que me defende das armadilhas inerentes às diferentes situações.

Vi-me recentemente numa situação em que, como "espectadora", assisti a alguém enrolar-se no seu próprio fio usando palavras que jogadas ao vento de forma tão impetuosa previam que a sua força transformaria uma simples brisa num tornado que destruiria por completo aquilo que de belo tinha sido construído. Como espectadora nada pude fazer...

Lamento que por vezes as pessoas não pensem nas consequências das palavras, lamento que as palavras tenham um peso tão grande que possam destruir a beleza de algo sem que a pessoa sequer tome consciência disso, ainda que as atitudes sejam tão contrárias às próprias palavras.

Assistir a algo assim, perturba, faz-me reflectir até que ponto os atos são mais valiosos do que as palavras e em que medida se poderá esquecer o poder destrutivo destas deixando permanecer a bela paisagem que vinha a ser construída à minha frente.

Deixo que o tempo me dê a resposta, porque o meu coração não estava ainda a ser usado para amenizar de forma certeira os estragos feitos por uma tempestade.

Permaneço apenas com uma frase na minha cabeça:

"Be careful what you wish for, cause you might get it!"

"Como é que sabemos que chegou ao fim?!

The best is yet to come

"Como é que sabemos que chegou ao fim?!

Esta foi a questão que me colocou um condutor na África do Sul, casado com 2 mulheres.

Parece irónico a questão ser colocada a uma mulher solteira, ainda que faça sentido que o fato de ser solteira determine que algumas relações tiveram o seu fim.

Às vezes pareço tão assertiva nas respostas que dou, que ninguém imagina as dúvidas que residem na minha alma.

A questão veio depois de eu ter dito que preservo a minha intimidade no que diz respeito a relações e que assumir que tenho alguém é para mim, um passo que não dou levianamente. Não coloco regularmente fotos com rapazes e não publico o meu estado civil nas redes sociais, a não ser que um dia se justificasse, mas a mim basta-me que eu saiba o que existe e o que é importante.

O respeito não vem daí, mas é uma forma de evitar futuros mal entendidos. O fato de medir bem os meus passos não indica, nem por sombras que tenha a solução radical para um dúvida existencial, indica apenas que a minha experiência aliada aquilo que vejo acontecer à minha volta, me levou a ser assim.

Disse-lhe apenas que as relações terminam quando no balanço, as discussões começam a ser mais que os bons momentos, quando a felicidade não está na partilha com o outro, mas sim em tantas outras coisas que acabam por distanciar as pessoas.

Terminar uma relação não significa que se tenha deixado de gostar, mas admitir que existem circunstâncias que não são contornáveis. Lembro-me perfeitamente quando disse ao meu primeiro namorado que não podíamos continuar a tentar ter uma relação, porque o conhecia bem demais para ser feliz sabendo que a fidelidade não faria parte da relação. Lembro-me também que não deixei de gostar dele, apenas precisei de tomar uma atitude que me fosse benéfica naquela altura. Por vezes esgotam-se o recursos que podiam alimentar a felicidade a dois e gostar não chega. Quando esse momento chega, a gente sente-o.

"Mas e como se deixa a outra pessoa?!" foi a questão que se seguiu.

Aí respondi-lhe qual era a mulher que ele estava a pensar deixar e quais a razões? 

Hesitante ele disse-me que não pensava deixar nenhuma, mas pela história que contou a seguir era notório que uma das mulheres não era alvo do seu interesse, mas sim do seu receio. Os filhos, as ameaças, o medo de ser assertivo arrastam por tempo indeterminado o momento de dizer "não dá mais".

Terminei algumas relações, umas com mais firmeza do que outras. Tenho normalmente a política de que é necessária uma conversa aberta, mas confesso que demorei anos a terminar de vez com a relação que mais de fez sofrer e que notoriamente não me levaria a parte alguma. Teimosia, falta de experiência, falta de coragem... um dia, ainda que tarde, terminou e restam apenas as lembranças que nunca serão apagadas nem pela relação mais perfeita de todas. 

No dia em que percebemos que não podemos ter o melhor de 2 mundos e que não podemos chegar mais baixo, sabemos que é altura de parar e fazer o caminho de volta. Fácil não é, mas esse dia chega, foi o que lhe disse. Disse-lhe também que ele podia saber isso, se na altura de deixar uma casa e ir para a outra as emoções fossem completamente distintas. O entusiasmo não pode ser o mesmo e a resposta foi-lhe óbvia. Depois disse-lhe que todas as pessoas merecem ter do seu lado alguém que lhes dê o amor que dão em troca, que todos temos direito à felicidade e que arrastar situações por medo é tardar aquilo que está destinado.

Agora, neste preciso momento, gostaria eu de ter a resposta para a primeira questão "Como sabemos que chegou ao fim, quando não há fim?! "

Tantas coisas mudam ao longo dos anos, mas percebi recentemente que existem paixões que se acendem de cada vez que os olhares se cruzam, que ainda que o tempo e a vida nos separe, as nossas lembranças continuam lá e o desejo não se apaga, apenas se esconde porque o relógio não pára e a vida tem de ser vivida. 

Há coisas que não terminam, apenas se distanciam temporariamente para que de cada vez que se reencontram, seja especial, único, intenso. 

É certo?! É benéfico?! Não tenho resposta... assim como não sei como se termina algo assim.

Só sei que não me arrependo nem por um segundo de viver cada momento e de imaginar o próximo. Junto os momentos e sei hoje que nunca vivi nada tão intenso. Talvez um dia termine, talvez não volte a acontecer.

Só o futuro o dirá e sei que quando esse momento chegar, eu vou saber! 

Escrito a ouvir: Melanie Fiona - Gone and Never Coming Back

What if...

How many times in my life I had to stop to ask myself "What if?". 

It's not easy sometimes to choose which way to go, if we are making the right choice or if there is a way back. 

We are never old enough to be sure about the best choices in life, what is right today, might be wrong tomorrow, but experience makes you aware of the consequences of your actions.

I never forget those 7 years of my life I gave all I had until the moment I had nothing else left and I had to start again. Life has no mercy when it comes the time to realize you have no right and left, only a long road with no end in view. 

Luckily when all is over the sun shines again and you start seeing the choices in front of you again. You moved on but you'll never forget the darkness, the loneliness along that journey.

One year ago I asked myself "What if I decide to change everything?!" 

I can't live with doubts and the challenge was so tempting that NO was not an option. I would never forgive myself if I haven't tried. 

I 'm sure that what is meant to be will always find its way. So even though I saw the darkness I try to live with no fears and to let myself go when my heart tells me so... but whenever I use my heart again, I come to a point when the question is "What if?!" 

One thing I know, no matter what it hurts in the end, my choice is always to try and move forward... we always have hope that on the other side is someone else using their feelings and asking the same question, specially when you see yourself saying those words and having those attitudes just when you want more.

Unluckily we realize that we all have different reasons to say something or to act in a certain way, sometimes just the selfish reason of having fun.

Life experience is a good ally after all, it doesn't protect you from falling, but it helps you to protect your heart from being hurt like it was before. You will always have a scar, it will take some time to heal, but you will know that direction was not for you to follow and you turn back to the opposite direction... sometimes knowing you won't see that face again! 

You will never be sure about other person's feelings, but you will use your gut feelings wisely to protect yourself, since you know that if the person didn't come back, it wasn't for you, because in the end, the most important person, is YOU!

I sometimes think that people’s hearts are like deep wells. Nobody knows what’s at the bottom. All you can do is imagine by what comes floating to the surface every once in a while.

HARUKI MURAKAMI, Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman

#Moments

Sometimes if you don't take a chance to try or you don't say what you really wanted to say, the moment flies away and you just might be missing something really important!! Then, just close your eyes and think 'next time I won't let u fly away, cause at least I can keep that image, I can keep that moment forever with me!'

preso por um fio...

Preso por um fio... o meu coração está preso por um fio!

Eu estou no presente e seguro o meu coração preso ao passado. Deixo-o ir ao sabor do vento como um papagaio a "voar" no incerto. Sei que o posso resgatar a qualquer momento, mas por algum motivo ainda não o fiz.

Enquanto caminho, fecho os olhos e sinto a tua mão a percorrer o meu corpo... sinto aquele arrepio que só a paixão desperta em nós, mergulho no mar verde dos teus olhos e deixo-me perder mais uma vez, só mais uma vez, aquele teu cheiro deixa-me inebriada. Adorava e nunca o esqueci... ainda hoje "te cheiro", ainda hoje me lembro do sorriso, do conforto do teu abraço.

3 anos, quase 3 anos passaram desde a última vez que te vi no Sheraton em Lisboa. Depois daquela conversa de trabalho, tive a certeza que nunca nos poderíamos entender a nenhum nível, nem mesmo o profissional. E ainda assim nos 7 anos anteriores deste-me coisas que nunca me esquecerei, embora com elas a dose de sofrimento tenha sido tão grande que ainda hoje sigo com o meu coração preso por um fio... acho que é a forma de o proteger, deixá-lo longe do alcance de todos, inclusive de mim mesma, que não o soube proteger durante tanto tempo.

Tantas coisas mudaram desde então na minha vida, na tua vida. 

Sou feliz, és feliz, mas eu... eu continuo com medo. Acho que de alguma forma te imito e não me deixo envolver, como tu fizeste por 11 anos, não é?!

A vida é tão irónica!! Não existe uma fórmula mágica para que saibamos o que fazer e qual a hora de parar.

Sabes, não estou triste. Não acho que tivessemos futuro e fico muito feliz por saber que estás bem e conseguiste o que tanto sonhaste, mas olho para mim e quando sinto falta da paixão que me fazia cometer loucuras e que me dava uma sensação tão mágica... és tu que me surges no pensamento! Marcaste-me de tal forma que nem o tempo ou a distância apagam aquilo que vivi contigo.

Há pessoas que ficam, pessoas que não importa os anos que passem, continuamos a lembrar como se ainda continuassem lá... à distância de um telefonema, de um e-mail, de uma ida a Leça. 

Lembro-me de me teres dito que um dia tinhas ligado a uma ex-namorada passados alguns anos a pedir desculpa por a teres magoado. Acho que a melhor forma de te desculpares comigo, foi teres seguido o teu rumo e seres feliz... largar tudo para ser feliz. 

O termo "felicidade" engloba muita coisa na vida das pessoas e depende das suas prioridades. Eu, embora não pareça, sou uma romântica, mas as minhas prioridades passam longe de depender de alguém para me sentir feliz. 

Sou medrosa?! Talvez, mas até agora tenho-me safado e posso dizer que ter mudado de país e andar a viajar pelo mundo é um sonho tornado realidade e sou feliz com isso. 

Sou feliz, mas tenho consciência que não tenho idade para brincar com papagaios presos por um fio, muito menos quando o que lá vai em cima é o meu bem mais precioso. 

Ainda hoje, cada vez que vôo para mais perto de ti, não consigo afastar a lembrança e embora o país seja tão grande, o teu cheiro persegue-me pelas ruas, a imagem do teu sorriso também.

Às vezes acho tudo isto uma loucura, mas depois tenho de me desculpar a mim mesma, porque sou humana, tenho falhas e não me posso culpar por me ter apaixonado um dia, quando me olhaste com o copo vazio na mão e me perguntaste se queria água. 

"sim, quero que me mates a sede." (a estes anos de distância poderia ter sido esta a resposta)

Por saber que o que me une a ti não é a paixão, mas a história que ficou e não pode ser apagada. O medo que tive e tenho de me apaixonar. E por não me ter apaixonado assim de novo, és tu que continuas aqui, neste espaço não preenchido. Espero que saibas o quão importante foste na vida de alguém... na minha vida! 

Continuo a encontrar na escrita a forma de me libertar das coisas... hoje quando fui ao ginásio e ouvia a música da Rihanna ft. Mikky Ekko "Stay" viajei até ao ano de 2009/2010 a à dúvida que era nada mais, nada menos que uma erva daninha que eu teimava em eliminar temporariamente, apenas para não ter de partir. 

Foi mais difícil para mim, mas já sabíamos que assim seria. 

Sem vítimas nem culpados, a vida seguiu e a única coisa que ainda não trouxe até mim, foi o fio...

Sei que um dia, em breve, terei quebrado o fio e acordarei com o meu coração dentro de mim, pois sei o que preciso...

Preciso voltar a perder-me para me encontrar.

O Céu dos Suicidas

'Uma coleção é como um amigo: é preciso saber tudo. Quem tem uma grande amizade sabe que, mesmo que estejamos longe dela, uma lembrança sempre retorna...' 

in O Céu dos Suicidas - Ricardo Lísias

Um suicídio, um sentimento de culpa que leva à loucura em busca de respostas, gritos de dor, busca da salvação na religião, qualquer que seja, e a descoberta de que a Paz, está dentro de nós e que a Dor faz parte da Vida!!!

Gula - O Clube dos Anjos

E o Pecado Mortal 'Gula' terminou na cidade em que começou... São Paulo!! 

Porque 'todo o desejo é um desejo de morte' e no final somos todos Anjos!!

Guangzhou

Good Morning Guangzhou

Green coin is the subway "ticket" | The blue arrows shows where you should wait to enter the train.

Temple of the Six Banyan Trees

Shopping...

for every taste

My passion (or one of them):

Canton Tower

People's Park

 See you next time, Guangzhou

3 Days in Paradise

And here Paradise is synonym of rest and peace more than the idilic images we have about a place.

Seychelles was the destination of 3 days off, after giving up my plan to go to Zanzibar because of the visa. 
To be honest I had this destination in my dreams since I was a child and my father brought some postcards and a book of the island when he was there. The coconuts, the palm trees, the beaches, everything was kind of dream I always wanted to live, but until last year it seemed so far.

I wanted to rest, so a 4 hour distance destination with sun and beaches was a PERFECT destination.

Day 1

1 a.m. and 3 seats only for me, all I could ask then was a sunny landing... which I had.

After meeting the taxi driver, we drove by the beach until my "house" for 3 nights. I confess I was expecting a different kind of beaches, though he was telling me they were very nice. 

I think, traveling a lot and knowing so many different places, made me a demanding person or maybe those postcards my father bought, years ago, looked better... 

I stayed 100 mts away from the beach and almost in front of the famous restaurant at Anse Royale -"Kaz Kreol".

I had a nice welcoming and some flowers around the house!

Hibiscus

After unpacking, it was time for breakfast but at 8 a.m. all places where closed at Anse Royale. So I bought some stuff in the grocery and waited for a while till the only place with wi-fi in the area around was open - The Dolphin Hereux. 
Fruits, Natural passion fruit juice, coffee with milk and toasts with butter and jam. Everything was delicious and all I wanted after that was to jump into the water.

Anse Royale Beach

My day was spent in the beach until the clouds got over the area and the heavy tropical rain started at 4 p.m. So it was time to eat something and nothing better than trying some creole food at Kaz Kreol. Octopus curry was my choice and it was delicious. It was also nice to have company while having lunch by the beach... a small cat came and seated right next to me, a proof that we're never alone :)

After eating I went for a walk. 

There is not much to see in Anse Soleil, but still there's a police station, a post office, one university and churches.

I had a long day, so I went home with some grocery, watched a movie and rested for my second day.

Day 2

I was awake at 6.30 a.m. by a Madagascar Red Fody that every 5 minutes was pecking at my window. 

After spending almost a year in the desert, the nature is something I missed and it's almost a blessing being surrounded by trees, birds, reptiles, insects (I would avoid the last ones, though they seem to love me).

I had a good Breakfast and I went to the bus stop to catch the bus - direction Takamaka via Intendance! 

Karoline, the owner of the house I was staying, told me Intendance beach was really nice, so I decided to go. The sun was shining and the bus would take me there for 5 rupees (more or less 0,30 €). It's nice to know that we can travel the island paying less, because taxis are really expensive.

After 2 buses going to Takamaka with no stop at Intendance, I decided to take the next bus and walk my way to the beach.

While traveling by bus I could see some other beaches that looked nice, like Anse Forbans. I was not scared, but I felt some anxiety to leave the bus, because the road seemed so narrow for 2 ways driving. 

After 15 minutes and in a place looking like "middle of nowhere" the bus driver told me to leave. There was a signal saying "Intendance" but no sign of beach around.

I started walking but then I decided to go back and ask a man, who was oustide the police station, which was the way to the beach. He looked at me and said something as simple as this:

"Just walk"

And I did...

I actually like to walk, but I was feeling a bit weird in a place I don't know and where the only sound was "the nature sound"...  No cars, almost no houses, no beach in sight.

After a while another signal showing me I was in the right way (besides there was no other way). Then finally "beach" signs... and the wonderful Anse Intendance Beach... all for me :)

The beach was more close to my idea of Paradise beaches and plus there were some waves, which made it more fun.

I was the first person to lay down in the beach and I was alone for a while. Then a couple came and the people who were staying at the really amazing resort there - "Banyan Tree Resort". The Villas I saw were awesome! I wish I could stay there, even if only for one night. Well, but what matters was that I could enjoy the beach as much as all the residents!

I was swimming for a long time then I stop a while to read, then swimming again...

This is what I call "Good Life!!"

The only "issue" in the area is that there is no place to eat, except in the resort. I had some water and a cereal bar with me, that was more than enough.

At around 12 p.m. the clouds came and the rain started to fall.

I think, this is the only situation I don't mind the rain, cause the weather was hot and it's nice to swim in the rain. 

That was also the time I was talking to a Seychelles boy who works in the resort and that gently offered to be my guide any other time and after that to a German gentleman who was staying in the resort. Summer rain is always a good time to make new friends.

At 1.15 p.m. I started to walk my way back to catch the bus that stops at Intendance at 2 p.m.

Of course while I was waiting I went to the only shop in the neighborhood and bought some souvenirs for me.

Then I went back to Anse Royale enjoying the nice views.

As I wanted to eat something I stopped for a while at The Dolphin Hereux and ordered a seafood crepe. I really enjoyed it, so tasty! In the meantime I started to write some postcards.

It was early, so I went to the beach again.

After that, another movie and bedtime for the last day.

Day 3

I woke up again with my Madagascar friend! No sun, only clouds, so I decided to stay around for my last day in Seychelles. 

I had my breakfast and then I went to my wi-fi hotspot. While I was there the taxi driver from the first day saw me and stopped to talk. He was going to Four Seasons to pick up some clients and after I told him my plan to stay at Anse Royale he offered to take me to Anse Soleil, so I could check another beach. He guaranteed me that on the other side of the island the sun was shining and so I went.

Our way there by car was quite an adventure, up and down the hills... the most interesting was that to come back and catch the bus later, I had to do that, walking!! 

When we reached there at 8.30 a.m., the beach was once again only for me.

Really nice day by the beach and it was so hot I had to stay in the shadow after 11.30 a.m.

Every time I looked to the sky, I was sure the taxi driver took me to the right place, because in the north and on the east side of the island the clouds were heavy and it rained, so I was kind of lucky that he took me there.

I had lunch by the beach with a wonderful view and at 2.30 p.m I started my long walk...

Up and down the hills.

how far the beach was...

Also time for some shopping before catching the bus.

This time, in the bus, I paid attention to the notice. It was quite funny to read it was prohibited to "Make disturbance with loud music and speak loudly on the bus". Well I could think of some occasions I would really love to read this as a rule.

When I reached Anse Royale the rain has stopped, so I went to the beach again, just to swim. When I sat in my towel, a guy came and sat talking for a while. He was telling me how is life in Seychelles and some nice stories about Arabic people in Seychelles. Well... and this is it!!
I spent a lovely time in a relaxing Paradise, called Seychelles.
Next day at 5 a.m. the taxi driver came to pick me up. I was still having breakfast so he joined me.
Luckily, the aircraft was not full, so the lady gave me another 3 seats and I could start my rest to the next destination after Doha: São Paulo.