It is after some time I am writing you. Not because I haven't thought of you before, but because today I felt deep inside how much it hurts being deprived of your presence.
Everything started as a nonsense. I knew I should have avoided and I actually tried to distract my mind but somehow the idea of being with you burnt inside me. It's that curiosity that you know can be poisoning but it's like you are not afraid of tasting the poison and die from the fatal pleasure. I was always like this but in fact there comes a time in life that we should learn from our previous mistakes.
I guess I will never change.
I rarely feel attracted, but when it burns inside I have no way to resist. I am a collector of those crazy pleasant moments, my happiness is based on that, plus the positive way I look to life and I try to enjoy it to the maximum.
Even knowing how it hurts now, I don't regret a single moment I spent with you. I would do it all again if it was now.
I'm on my way to Bali and I don't know if it is the idea of romance that is killing me inside or just a song that reminded me of our time in New York when I was in the train from Kyoto to Kansai Airport that made me cry and miss you this much.
The truth is that even though I feel we are over, I think about you every day. For some reason all the other days I felt ok and today it made me sad and showed me the hole that I have inside.
Many times you said we should come to Bali and I look to the empty seat next to me and I wish with all my heart that you could be sitting there, saying some stupid jokes to make me laugh.
I guess I learnt love is up to no agreements. We tried to settle from the beginning that none of us should fell in love but I think we had no idea how easily we would get along and how we would match in so many things to a point you became my best friend and we talked about absolutely everything.
You won my heart just like a tattoo and I realized it a bit late, when it was too late to remove it with no scars.
I forgot about the fence dividing us... there was no religion, no family, not a forbidden thing in between us. The most curious thing is that I took the risk and I never realized how I was getting tied in the trap. You realized first and maybe you were smart enough to step back or maybe as you said your feelings were in a box and you could play with them.
I am not like that. It was easy for me until the moment you made me think about my feelings. I was living freely the chance of having someone with whom I could be myself, loving, crazy, wild, quiet, silly. It might sound weird but I have never lived something like this before and maybe that is why it hurts so bad. I never felt loved by someone I loved back with this intensity. Because life is not always fair to match people and in every relationship I had, something was lacking from one side or the other. In some cases I was too young in others some things didn't match so well.
Since the first moment we were wood and fire to burn easily when we are together. The smell of your body was like a magnet and I remember when you told me about that. Most of the things, I never told you. It was never so easy. I just got all the things from you and I agreed just by giving myself to you, body and soul. The only thing I confessed was that you were the first person I could actually sleep with and feel relaxed. It all felt so natural since the first moment. It's hard to explain...
You collect in you all the things I lived before and though it scared me, i couldn't step back. We started with a secret between us, that reveled the impossibility of an happy ending, I am also like a bird that you could never cage, you had a sad ending story with someone you said you still loved and even knowing how hurt I was by something like this, I said "Let's try!"
I don't live the past, however 'deja vus' occur once in a while. But in the end stories are different and as we grow older we accept things differently. I learnt how to deal with that so what some define as bravery, I thing is just part of being me and follow my heart against all odds.
In the end I know I was loved no matter what happened in the end.
The laughs, the jokes, the nights sleeping being hold by you, the kisses, the long walks, "Thor", the "first time", the way we always end our disagreements in a funny way, are the memories I will keep with me. It could have been so simple...
But we are Humans and we complicate things by thinking too much. And that is exactly what I should avoid now. You will live inside me and I will smile because what we had can no longer be taken.
I believe Life will bring me the right piece to complete me because you could never be that part.
Until then, I just try to live Life as Happy as I can be and certainly I'm enjoying it.