terça-feira, 5 de agosto de 2014

Time to heal, time to change

At 40.000ft my tears can't stop rolling down my face. I'm extremely calm, the exact feeling you get after 3 glasses of red wine. They can make you laugh or cry but at this exact moment my heart feels so empty that only sadness is my true companion.
Like happiness, sadness is part of life. When we are sad we realize that the things that once made you happy are no longer there. They might have vanished with time, they might have been taken away (when someone dies) or in women case it can be just PMS. 
At this moment, I'm grateful the loss is just one of those you cannot avoid, people are still alive and a rush of common sense landed on one's mind.
As for my mind it is floating, my dreams and my hope are flying away from me and I can't stop tears from falling though I know that this day would come sooner or later.
I am one of those persons that others say have everything to be happy and I trully have almost everything, except what everybody aims in life, a person to share a life. 
At this moment and after 5 months waiting for someone, I realized, I not only wasted 5 months, but I also have a real problem to solve inside me.
I was not made to fall in love, I am completely incapable of keeping people I love on my side, it's like I punish myself for having such a blessed life.
The loss hurts in any case, but the loss after such a long time waiting makes you feel that nothing makes sense. 
Accepting death, accepting betrayal is hard, but those things you cannot change, they are part of reality and even when the pain overwhelms, you have moments of truth when you know that time will be your ally.
I heard lots of times, love is not enough to keep a relationship and now I am sure about the meaning of this.
Even when you love and you are loved, you might find hard to stay together and it is harder to move on, because the feeling is still there, strong and deep but you have an invisible wall dividing it. There are no words or acts to break what you cannot see. I am fighting with myself full of love but mostly, full of loneliness.
5th of August, I finally realized I was not made to fall in love, I was made to be happy but with less requirements, avoiding feelings that are not controllable. 
I have to allow myself to be loved with ease, accepting to leave the emotions for those who can deal with them. I definitely can't.
I find happiness in little things and the simple fact of having someone who truly likes me for me, should be enough.
There comes a time when peace is a priority, when friendship is a must and a companion who is willing to step on your side.
I don't know if my sadness is bigger because of all the wait or because I know he also loves me but is not strong to put rules behind. I am tired of loosing because I am emotional or because I love too much...
31 years old and I gave up on love, I cannot take this sadness anymore. I want to be happy with less, but stop feeling this hole.
I have to forget the loss, the smell, the hugs, the smiles, the laughs, the dreams to live a life full of emotions. I must live a life with no salt and pepper, a life plain but peaceful. 
Learning to live with less is a lesson. 
I traveled enough, I loved enough and I was also loved. Now it's time to think out of the box, the World will always be bigger than my dreams and my hopes. I have to accept I am just a small piece among this bigger puzzle made by different people with different cultures, religion and beliefs. 
I was willing to give up everything for love and now I want to give away love for a peaceful future, a reality based on stability, the dream of having my part in this world that is made for me, not just the left overs.

And yes Life is not always fair, but it goes on...

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